Global Warming

Good Speech

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

Confessions

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a thingy?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it."

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Pull Buddy !!!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Don't Try This One

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

They're Busy

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"

"They're busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The police."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They're busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The firemen."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They're busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they�re all busy? What are they doing?"

"Looking for me."

Would You Help Me ?

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," he replied and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that�s right," he told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Janji Joni

Pada suatu hari seorang murid yang terkenal sangat nakal bernama Joni ketahuan mencuri uang milik teman sekelasnya.
Ia pun lalu dipanggil oleh gurunya ke ruang guru.

Guru : "Joni bukankah kamu sudah berjanji tidak akan nakal lagi?"
Joni : "Iya, Pak!"
Guru : "Bukankah saya juga berjanji akan menghukum kamu jika kamu nakal sekali lagi?"
Joni : "Ya Pak, tapi karena saya sudah melanggar janji saya, Bapak juga tidak perlu menepati janji Bapak itu."
Guru:"Haa..????..

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

Blonde Wanna Buy TV

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

Vonis Pemerkosa

Pada suatu hari di sebuah pengadilan negeri, sedang diadakan pembacaan vonis terhadap seorang pemerkosa. Pada saat vonis dibacakan, sang pemerkosa langsung jatuh pingsan.

Vonis yang dijatuhkan terhadap pemerkosa itu adalah :

“Melihat bukti-bukti yang kuat, serta keterangan para saksi begitu meyakinkan, dengan ini majelis hakim memutuskan: Terdakwa terbukti bersalah dan akan diganjar hukuman selama 6 bulan penjara. Selanjutnya barang bukti yang digunakan pelaku kejahatan akan disita negara untuk segera dimusnahkan.”

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Surgeons' Chat

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded."

"You're all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable."